Tell Me Are You the Ghost of Jealousy?

"And I heard a voice in my head that said 'Whatever you do, don't turn around.' So I quietly just turned out the lights and went to bed. The next morning my sisters tell me that they pissed off a river spirit that apparently likes windows. I would not have liked to think about what I would've seen if I had turned around."

"Jeebus."

- Erna and I, in conversation. Starbucks.

I have an odd affliction as of late, since the conversation above last Saturday. I have been quite afraid to sleep in the dark. This development is not actually a major problem, but I thought I left that back in Standard 4. My issue, rather, is the where the fear stems from. Which is, naturally, a fear of ghosts and ghouls and things that go Bump in the night, but not directly. My thorough concern is the plain fact that while I am not afraid of seeing blood and gore and sharp teeth, my mind is beginning to do fucking loop de loops everytime I crawl into bed. My thorough concern lies in this: that my mind will wander far enough to give me a proper thrashing in an "Otherworldly" experience, which will force me to rethink my beliefs on how this world works.

Lets get something straight. I am very Atheist. I am of the opinion that the world can be explained (And saved) by rational thought and empirical experimentation. And while I cannot deny that I am not infallible, or that other people have gone through plenty of stuff that science cannot deduce, I have always put it down to a matter of "Cannot deduce yet". And these things that happen to other people stay that way through the willful philosophy of "Don't give a toss"

But the mind doesn't like to listen to what I think. Nay, it cares little as to my ingrained beliefs and barred doors. Instead once I turn out the lights it begins to recall that witching hour is not 12 o clock but the hour that it is currently at, it reminds me of the cheap B horror youtube video that someone tricked me into watching. It sends an involuntary shiver down my spine just to give me a little extra boost of adrenaline, and while all this rages in my head? Queue Cal's leg rolling onto my chest to make me damn near jump out of bed. (My bed rolls out under Cal's. And he moves alot, when he's asleep. His limbs thwacking me is not something that occurs rarely, but how more perfect can you get in timing?)

Then "Screw this" goes me conscious mind, and I open my eyes and flick the light switch. While the world bleeds back into colour, I realize exaaactly how silly it all is. Understand my problem here: It is not ghosts that scare me, but that my mind allows itself to go that far involuntarily, and will eventually lead to a ghost; because thats my firm belief of how these things manifest. And while my rationale will not change, it'll become alot harder to hold onto.
But there is a silver lining. Fears breed either of two things: Defenses or Mobility. So, today on the train (Where I do most of my thinking), I wondered why I'm so scared of having my beliefs turned topsy turvy. An open mind is a growing one. One that is quite immune to the fear of change. Which I have always been a large supporter of. So this is good! Its forced me into properly Mobilizing my thinking. And while I think that Hypocrisy in some incarnations is tolerable. This matter simply won't do.
Excuse me while I shift my paradigm around a little.

Leave that to cool on the counter...
Now. My life for the past couple days has been very very happy. I am more and more comfortable in answering the question: "So what're you doing now?". I find that the lack of a scheduled binding commitment to anything means that my limits are... whats that word? Tier 2 holy priest set... my limits are Transcended.

But I am not slacking. It has come to a point where the only reason I can't show up for a poetry reading or a party, or an audition, is when I am going for _Another_ poetry reading, party or audition. And that feels perfectly outstanding.
Without time being its fleetish self, I am directly in control of the flow of my life. Whether or not I'm going to be out the whole day, or whether I would like to just frag for the next 5 hours.

I was literally skipping and singing my way around while I walked to school today to meet some teachers about the Forensics after the half-interview, half-plugging KLPac and The Oral Stage on RTM2 today. However, there lies a knot in the day's progression upwards. Madam E played the bitch card and essentially took away all hopes of participation in the Forensics this year. (sorry guys. D=) And I was quite peeved on how the conversation went. Too polite, too awkward. I should've said something about it, in retrospect, but somehow the route I'm taking seems more... justified.

I'm going to Judge in an Individual manner. Unaffiliated, and I went through Madam E's best friend to enter my name. (Cheers to Gus for the idea) This is not boasting. This is the stark realization that people control me only if I let them.

Transcendence indeed, good sir.

Now, because I don't like ending on morbid tones:


Roborovski owner: They are very curious; this may or may not overcome their natural fear of humans, and watching their internal struggle when they want to grab a sunflower seed from your hand is hilarious

I think this cold shard of cynicism I call a heart might just melt.

A call to arms

"Which risk would you rather take, listen to the activists and take big action now, risking the possible harm to the economy that the skeptics warned us about. Or listening to the skeptics and don't take big action now; risking the possible destruction and upheaval [Of the Earth] that the activists warned us about"

-How It All Ends video.

As a public speaker, I'm pretty familiar with the term "Call to Arms", which is essentially every public speaker's optimal closing paragraph. Because the audience doesn't really care to be lectured about how things work or why certain things happen, but rather what they can do about it. Essentially a public speech normally tells the audience something they probably don't know. Like "the alarmingly increasing crime rates in Malaysia", or the "ineffable virtues of duct tape". It ranges. But point of fact is that the speech is like a story, although more direct. It carries a message; it informs, so a Call to Arms is very very much a good way to end a speech because once you've informed someone about the goings on of something, they'll want to know how it affects them and if so, what they can do about it.

For example: Corruption in Malaysia? Interesting topic.
The Mating habits of Dolphins? Not so much.

So you see, things have to affect us in order for us to care. And if it does, a Call to Arms to fix the solution is a good idea of making us care some more.

And given that: Rare is the Call to Arms in a speech that actually moves me enough to take action. With or without convincing argument, it is rare that someone can say something that literally makes me want to do something to solve the problem. The famous Stephen Tyler quote from Fight Club is one of them. And the most recent convincing speech, is this.



The Call to Arms at the end of this video is simple. Spread the word.
And it makes me care enough to want to. So. I know the video's a long one, but please do take the time to let it load up and watch it. Listen to the music selection that I have at the ready while you're at it if you want something to do.

Taking Damage.

"I can't seem to get Gears of War to work."

"Hm. Maybe you should lose some weight. Eek! You can't hurt me! I'm sick!"

-Calvin and I, in conversation.

I've been afflicted with the most vicious of fevers for the past few days. Got scary at one point. Couldn't stop shivering, and every joint went on strike. Couldn't even sleep properly for all the pain. And after being beaten back to the depths from which it came, like a sore loser it got its friends Migraine and Nausea to beat me up the next day.

Talk about not knowing when to give in, right?

Which sucks, because I've been curiously without anything to do for the past week or so, but stuff finally started coming to bear. On Monday, which was when the Fever started creeping in, there was a little shindig over at KLPac, and apparently everyone was there. Draaaaat.
Tuesday, I decided I was well enough (bad move) to go traipsing about in the city. Went and collected my paycheck for my work at Izzinet. Just 350, since I worked only 5 days before I had to stop for The Illusion. (Still haven't decided if I want to go back to work).
Then I had a magnificent meeting with Madam Ng back at school. We talked of work and age and school.

Then because I am a sucker for punishment, even though it was drizzling, I decided to plough on and not go home, instead going out with Gus and Jean to Mid Valley just to hang out, which was fun. But Gus is really beginning to get on my nerves with his antics. I was still slightly simmering after his little stupidities to and fro when we met up at No Black Tie with a couple more friends. He saved himself somewhat after that, when some of us were just eating at a mamak, so I let it slide (Which happens often, around him). But this stunt he pulled at Mid Valley just brought back all manners of unpleasant memories of his volatile personality. Which is really really fun to be around, when situation is set right. But his train of conversation sometimes is just disturbing.

Oh right, forgot to mention what the stunt he pulled was in the first place. He got an SMS from some random guy asking him for sex. Which is plain "What the fuck" kind of weird. But he very skillfully nips it in the bud and the guy leaves him alone. Then he takes my phone while I went to buy pills (Drugs! Lol!) and miscalled the same guy. No damage done, but I grow weary of having to be on my toes around him.

Back to subject matter. Hung out at Mid Valley. Caught up with Jean abit. Then went home and directly passed out from pain, and woke up the next day with the most unrelenting headache. I kept thinking of House throughout the time, for some odd reason. Which sucks, because I already missed the thing on Monday due to a fever, then I had to miss out the trip to Sunway College today. Intended to meet up with Karyn and Rachel, and talk to the councilor for abit, but just no go. I sat around for two hours waiting for the 1000 Mgs of Paracetamol to kick in, but it stuck around like a fat man waiting for his twinkies.
Finally relented and went off to a clinic, and got some pills which made everything vanish within the hour. Marvelous stuff.
I just hope it holds, because I'm headed to dinner with Alyssa and Chrys with Cal tomorrow.
Also: I Can't get BT's Force of Gravity out of my head.... ><

Do you Cryyyy your eeeeeyes to sleep....

Happy '08

May your coming year be filled with magic and dreams and good madness. I hope you read some fine books and kiss someone who thinks you're wonderful, and don't to forget make some art -- write or draw or build or sing or live as only you can. And I hope, somewhere in the next year, you surprise yourself.

-Neil Gaiman

Stolen! D=

But yes, I would like to wish eeeeeveryone (Yes, even you, Gus) a good year to come. :) And what better way to say it than through other more eloquent people's quotes!

Alright, no that's not at all a good way to say it. :P But i'm tired. So nyer.

Next up, on a blogsite near you!

-> Marvin visits the den of evil (Ie: Azmir's place) for a night of debauchery and board games!
-> Catch Marvin's adventures traipsing into No Black Tie!
-> Marvin's New year's eve party!