Tell Me Are You the Ghost of Jealousy?

"And I heard a voice in my head that said 'Whatever you do, don't turn around.' So I quietly just turned out the lights and went to bed. The next morning my sisters tell me that they pissed off a river spirit that apparently likes windows. I would not have liked to think about what I would've seen if I had turned around."

"Jeebus."

- Erna and I, in conversation. Starbucks.

I have an odd affliction as of late, since the conversation above last Saturday. I have been quite afraid to sleep in the dark. This development is not actually a major problem, but I thought I left that back in Standard 4. My issue, rather, is the where the fear stems from. Which is, naturally, a fear of ghosts and ghouls and things that go Bump in the night, but not directly. My thorough concern is the plain fact that while I am not afraid of seeing blood and gore and sharp teeth, my mind is beginning to do fucking loop de loops everytime I crawl into bed. My thorough concern lies in this: that my mind will wander far enough to give me a proper thrashing in an "Otherworldly" experience, which will force me to rethink my beliefs on how this world works.

Lets get something straight. I am very Atheist. I am of the opinion that the world can be explained (And saved) by rational thought and empirical experimentation. And while I cannot deny that I am not infallible, or that other people have gone through plenty of stuff that science cannot deduce, I have always put it down to a matter of "Cannot deduce yet". And these things that happen to other people stay that way through the willful philosophy of "Don't give a toss"

But the mind doesn't like to listen to what I think. Nay, it cares little as to my ingrained beliefs and barred doors. Instead once I turn out the lights it begins to recall that witching hour is not 12 o clock but the hour that it is currently at, it reminds me of the cheap B horror youtube video that someone tricked me into watching. It sends an involuntary shiver down my spine just to give me a little extra boost of adrenaline, and while all this rages in my head? Queue Cal's leg rolling onto my chest to make me damn near jump out of bed. (My bed rolls out under Cal's. And he moves alot, when he's asleep. His limbs thwacking me is not something that occurs rarely, but how more perfect can you get in timing?)

Then "Screw this" goes me conscious mind, and I open my eyes and flick the light switch. While the world bleeds back into colour, I realize exaaactly how silly it all is. Understand my problem here: It is not ghosts that scare me, but that my mind allows itself to go that far involuntarily, and will eventually lead to a ghost; because thats my firm belief of how these things manifest. And while my rationale will not change, it'll become alot harder to hold onto.
But there is a silver lining. Fears breed either of two things: Defenses or Mobility. So, today on the train (Where I do most of my thinking), I wondered why I'm so scared of having my beliefs turned topsy turvy. An open mind is a growing one. One that is quite immune to the fear of change. Which I have always been a large supporter of. So this is good! Its forced me into properly Mobilizing my thinking. And while I think that Hypocrisy in some incarnations is tolerable. This matter simply won't do.
Excuse me while I shift my paradigm around a little.

Leave that to cool on the counter...
Now. My life for the past couple days has been very very happy. I am more and more comfortable in answering the question: "So what're you doing now?". I find that the lack of a scheduled binding commitment to anything means that my limits are... whats that word? Tier 2 holy priest set... my limits are Transcended.

But I am not slacking. It has come to a point where the only reason I can't show up for a poetry reading or a party, or an audition, is when I am going for _Another_ poetry reading, party or audition. And that feels perfectly outstanding.
Without time being its fleetish self, I am directly in control of the flow of my life. Whether or not I'm going to be out the whole day, or whether I would like to just frag for the next 5 hours.

I was literally skipping and singing my way around while I walked to school today to meet some teachers about the Forensics after the half-interview, half-plugging KLPac and The Oral Stage on RTM2 today. However, there lies a knot in the day's progression upwards. Madam E played the bitch card and essentially took away all hopes of participation in the Forensics this year. (sorry guys. D=) And I was quite peeved on how the conversation went. Too polite, too awkward. I should've said something about it, in retrospect, but somehow the route I'm taking seems more... justified.

I'm going to Judge in an Individual manner. Unaffiliated, and I went through Madam E's best friend to enter my name. (Cheers to Gus for the idea) This is not boasting. This is the stark realization that people control me only if I let them.

Transcendence indeed, good sir.

Now, because I don't like ending on morbid tones:


Roborovski owner: They are very curious; this may or may not overcome their natural fear of humans, and watching their internal struggle when they want to grab a sunflower seed from your hand is hilarious

I think this cold shard of cynicism I call a heart might just melt.